Hmm... I'm writing in my Livejournal. Which could mean two things, I'm really fucking bored, or just feeling like shit. Eh, I guess a little of both. It's a fairly cold, lonely night. U2 are on my TV, and that is the only thing that is keeping me from not getting in my car and driving somewhere pointless just for the sake of boredom. Back in the day, like 2 months ago, when I was feeling a little down, there was this person who was like my best friend, partner, teammate, soulmate, and was just always there for me, but that person has an ability to change their feelings like no one I've ever seen. Yeah, people do break up, but there's this thing called talking and hanging out that people who care about each other and have shared so many things together can do. Nah, the person who used to sleep next to me in my bed every night can't even talk to me or see me and pretty much treats me like I'm dead. It's ok though. Because I realized that someone who would do that to you is not even worth your time. At all. When you are so fucking close to someone, and mean so much to them, and then telling them to leave you alone, is fucking horrible. Someone who just can't be happy when things are good. Always looking for more, always needing something new and exciting. Fuck that. I always believed that when you find something that works and that is real stick with it. It's an extraordinary thing when two people can spend every second, literally, together for months and never fight or get sick of each other. That's an amazing thing. But some people's heads are always looking in different directions and always looking for something cooler, and I actually thought for one second some of this could've been my fault. Or that this is just what happens. I thought maybe this is just how people are. Then this one day at work this dude Sam and I were talking about music and shit and we were talking about U2 cause they are my favorite band in the world. We were just talking and shit quoting different songs and everything. Then a couple days later he comes in and says he found some U2 DVDs in his house and he gave them to me. I thought it was pretty fucking cool of him. It just made me start to think. This kid from work who I hardly know gives me U2 DVDs cause I mention that I liked them, but someone who I spent a year of my life with and who I used to share my bed with every night can't even fucking talk to me. Who's life is that important that you REFUSE to talk to or hang out with someone who was so close to you? It made me realize that people like that are just selfish and it hurts. They promise and swear that you mean so much and they won't end up like the last girl but they always fucking do. All I do is give every single thing I can give, and I really thought I had someone who would stick by me no matter what. I have no problem with being friends, but someone who was so in love with me for so long, won't even be my friend. What did I ever do? You would think that I am the biggest asshole ever or something. But I'm not. I gave everything I could. Anyway, enough about that. Like I said, not worth my time. My hands are god damn cold. This Star Wars blanket is not doing the trick. Any girls wanna come stay over and keep me warm and play Halo with me? That would be niiiice. Everyone has to go buy the new U2 cd on November 22. It will be the most amazing thing you have ever heard. Speaking of amazing music, you haven't heard much from good old TBR lately but don't you worry, big, big things on the way. Tomorrow belongs to me. Or, us, should I say. I think we are gonna do another video soon, maybe for "The Way Things Fade" which will be amazing cause it will star me. Hehe. Gary has been in the hospital the past couple days because he had a tumor removed from his hip again. I'm scared for him, but I know everything will be OK. I look at the stupid, petty things that usually upset me, and I see my best friend up in the hospital because he had a tumor, and it makes me look at things differently. My best friend getting surgery is so much more important then the stupid things I think about. I could be laying up in a hospital right now, with something alot worse wrong with me, but I'm not. I have a great life and great friends and I have everything to live for and nothing to be upset about. I have real friends, people who will never tell me to leave them alone, people who care about me, people who wouldn't make me feel bad about who I choose to be with. I am so grateful for the people who stick by my side through the good and the shitty times. I heard John Kerry say "What defines you as a person is what you spend every waking day trying to do" and I think he is right. Haha not that I exactly know what I'm trying to do, at least I know what I'm trying not to do and I know who I don't want to ever be. I know through all of the situations I have been in, I have given it my all and have never given up on anybody or anything. And that makes me happy. Whether it be my friends, a girl, or my band, to know through everything I've done, I was never the one who gave up or just walked away for no reason. What seperates people is those who fold under pressure and give up and think there is always something better out there, and those who realize how great something is and don't let it go no matter what the cost. People who have heart, and use it. And I think I fall into that category. And I think I am strong for doing that. Because though it has gotten me hurt on a number of occasions, it will pay off one day. And if you have just read that whole mess I just wrote, Haha, then I thank you for that. Because I don't even know what I am talking about these days anymore. And Bono is about to sing "With or Without You", which deserves my full attention. Goodnight Livejournal, and world.